Being a good parent is hard. No one likes to be the bad guy, but let’s face it — to be a good parent, there are times our children will NOT like our decisions.  

One of the hardest things about parenting is the immediate response and quick judgment calls we have to make. There is no way to preplan what will transpire from one day to the next. Without notice, we are faced with a situation that we aren’t prepared for, and suddenly we have to make a parental decision. Of course we all want to make the RIGHT one!

I often say that parenting isn’t a science or formula, although how convenient if it was … but then we’d have little robots running around and not children with their own unique abilities and talents. I have found that it is harder to retrain us parents than retrain our children. Children pick up on things quickly. We are slower to change or create new habits.

Meanwhile our children are little masterminds. They know our weak points. They know when we are stressed, tired, or juggling too many things and when we’re more apt to give in. They know how to be specific when they want to — “You didn’t say right NOW, you just asked ‘could you?’ ” They know in what circumstances they have a better chance of getting us to say ‘yes.’ They are geniuses!

So how do we as parents help ourselves make the better decision rather than give our children a reactive response? Here are three brief tips:

1. Breathe. Take a moment to count to 10 … okay in some instances 20. We tell our kids to do this, but I’ve found giving myself such a brief timeout has its benefits as well. When I speak without doing a fast regroup, I tend to be more of an extremist in my responses. This is never helpful in making the right decision.
2. Leave emotions outside. Know that you can vent your emotional reactions later when not in your child’s presence. This is especially true for tween to teenagers. Their hormones are all over the board and they need us parents to be the stable, unwavering adult. The best response we can give our tween/teen is one that is not emotionally charged. Doing this will help lessen the drama in the midst of the situation. If you are like me, this means you may need to go back to #1 above to accomplish this.
3. Defer the decision. In the midst of a situation where you feel a quick response is necessary, it’s okay to say, “We will discuss what we need to do about this and get back with you in a little bit.” Discuss the situation away from the children. Then let them know your decision when you have arrived at one.

We won’t be perfect at these steps in every situation. If you are, I applaud you — share your secret! But for the rest of us, we have to remember this is a process of learning. When we mess up, it’s okay to apologize to our children and let them know where we erred. That is great role modeling!

Taking time out before we respond, act, or speak, doesn’t show weakness or a lack of control. Instead, it shows the opposite. We are taking control of the situation, speaking calmly when ready, and removing the chance for being swayed by stress. Our children will notice how we respond. It may not stick when they are young, but guarantee they will remember our calm responses when they too become parents themselves.

I don’t live my life with regrets, but there are times I can look back and recognize if I had all the information then that I do now, I would have felt or acted differently. For example, I remember when the Internet was in its infancy and hearing about the “information highway.” I thought, whatever would someone do with that?! Hmmm. I feel differently now — to have information at my fingertips without leaving my home is invaluable.

This looking back applies to parenting situations too — if I knew then what I know now, some situations could have gone smoother. So for grins, I’ve compiled a brief list of what I wish I would have known 13 years ago. See if you can relate …

1. That modeling a clean bedroom would help teach my daughter the importance of cleaning her own bedroom.
2. That counting to 10 has its benefits for me too.
3. That understanding learning styles brings clarity to many situations.
4. That being a catering service to my child wouldn’t be the best choice.
5. That I learn more by listening, than talking.
6. That I would fail at times in my parenting skills, but my daughter is forgiving when I make it right.
7. That being human, not perfect is what matters most.

Knowledge is powerful. May we use the knowledge we gain, not to live in regret but to propel us forward to change the future!

Recently our family escaped out of town for the weekend to let loose at a water park. What a blast! We had not a care in the world, except to decide which ride to do next. We flipped on tubes, careened down slides, sloshed through tunnels, and trudged up hills carrying large tubes just to go down and do it all again. With how much fun the water park provided, there was something even better that stuck with me — our long conversations we had over the weekend. Priceless! We came back from that weekend with new plans to take more frequent mini-weekend trips as a family.

Typically society’s pace doesn’t afford us large amounts of leisure time to catch up with our family, or hear our children’s passions and interests. Instead, we flip over pages of to-do lists, careen down our daily schedules, slosh through life’s demands, and trudge up hills carrying our over-commitment only to wake up the next day and do it all over again. We don’t plan to spend our time that way, but life crowds in and before we know it, pressures dictate our schedules.

As I was reflecting on our weekend yesterday, I ran across a New York Times articles, Breakfast Can Wait. The Day’s First Stop is Online. It addressed the changing times of text messages, cell phones, social networking and email and how such lures interfere with family time and communication.

I couldn’t get the article out of my mind. Maybe it bothered me so much because our treasured weekend was fresh on mind. Or perhaps it reminded me of how I can be pulled away from my own family to check or write a few emails. Whichever the case, I’ve found myself re-reading the article and reflecting on what lures me away from my top priorities.

There is no doubt — family weekend escapes are invaluable. But more importantly, how do we spend our time during the week? It’s in our daily routine that our priorities are tested. So are we ready to let loose? It may not be at a water park, but let’s decide what can wait and what is first. Then have some great family time!

Recently our daughter went to camp with her youth group. After I dropped her off, I came home to a quiet house — no giggly, dancing, random teen went barreling down the hallway. Even our dog just lay by my feet and moped around. Apart from her bedroom still being a mess, it was a different feeling with part of our family missing for a few days.

I had grand plans to accomplish much in her absence, but many of the items on the list I didn’t get to. The most important one though, I did — spending quality time with my husband. We went out to dinner, watched a few previously recorded TV shows, relaxed in the pool without diving for pennies or being flipped over, kicked back in the hammock, talked, and just caught up with one another. It was a reminder to us of how quickly life crowds in and how little time we have for just the two of us.

When children are still living at home, the marriage relationship isn’t typically the default priority. The slumping economy doesn’t lend itself to planning frequent dates out of the house with our spouse. Today’s culture doesn’t foster a keep-the-marriage-together goal.

It takes intentional effort for each of us to nurture our marriage relationship. However, when we do, the rewards are priceless. The benefits extend far beyond our own personal connections — it trickles down to create stability for our children too.

So take time this week to plan a date with your spouse. It doesn’t have to cost anything. It just requires a concerted effort.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.  ~Martin Luther

I’ve been told (more than a few times) my daughter is a mini-me. Although we are similar in many ways, she is very much her own person. Her unique innovative spirit amazes me and I love watching her creativity mature and grow. The seeds I saw when she was little have spread and multiplied. I’m anxious to see how they further develop!

For young children, everything is new and exciting in the beginning. A two-year old is ecstatic over watching a dump truck. A child unleashes their unstoppable movement in the rhythm of music. A little one is mesmerized by squishing food through his fingers. Each day is a new exploration.

As children grow up, so do their aspirations. The incessant love for animals grows into a desire to become a Veterinarian. The high attention to the surrounding colorful aesthetics reveals an artist waiting to fly. A nurturing heart and relentless love for impoverished children rises up a future parent to a needy orphan.

One of the greatest joys of being a parent is watching our children develop their own passions and interests. What a privilege we have to encourage our children in their zest for life. As parents, it’s up to us to give them opportunities to explore, help them discover patterns of interest, and then allow them to SOAR!