Being a good parent is hard. No one likes to be the bad guy, but let’s face it — to be a good parent, there are times our children will NOT like our decisions.
One of the hardest things about parenting is the immediate response and quick judgment calls we have to make. There is no way to preplan what will transpire from one day to the next. Without notice, we are faced with a situation that we aren’t prepared for, and suddenly we have to make a parental decision. Of course we all want to make the RIGHT one!
I often say that parenting isn’t a science or formula, although how convenient if it was … but then we’d have little robots running around and not children with their own unique abilities and talents. I have found that it is harder to retrain us parents than retrain our children. Children pick up on things quickly. We are slower to change or create new habits.
Meanwhile our children are little masterminds. They know our weak points. They know when we are stressed, tired, or juggling too many things and when we’re more apt to give in. They know how to be specific when they want to — “You didn’t say right NOW, you just asked ‘could you?’ ” They know in what circumstances they have a better chance of getting us to say ‘yes.’ They are geniuses!
So how do we as parents help ourselves make the better decision rather than give our children a reactive response? Here are three brief tips:
- Breathe. Take a moment to count to 10 … okay in some instances 20. We tell our kids to do this, but I’ve found giving myself such a brief timeout has its benefits as well. When I speak without doing a fast regroup, I tend to be more of an extremist in my responses. This is never helpful in making the right decision.
- Leave emotions outside. Know that you can vent your emotional reactions later when not in your child’s presence. This is especially true for tween to teenagers. Their hormones are all over the board and they need us parents to be the stable, unwavering adult. The best response we can give our tween/teen is one that is not emotionally charged. Doing this will help lessen the drama in the midst of the situation. If you are like me, this means you may need to go back to #1 above to accomplish this.
- Defer the decision. In the midst of a situation where you feel a quick response is necessary, it’s okay to say, “We will discuss what we need to do about this and get back with you in a little bit.” Discuss the situation away from the children. Then let them know your decision when you have arrived at one.
We won’t be perfect at these steps in every situation. If you are, I applaud you — share your secret! But for the rest of us, we have to remember this is a process of learning. When we mess up, it’s okay to apologize to our children and let them know where we erred. That is great role modeling!
Taking time out before we respond, act, or speak, doesn’t show weakness or a lack of control. Instead, it shows the opposite. We are taking control of the situation, speaking calmly when ready, and removing the chance for being swayed by stress. Our children will notice how we respond. It may not stick when they are young, but guarantee they will remember our calm responses when they too become parents themselves.
